How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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