just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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