can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
