I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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