Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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