I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
