when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
