my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
