I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
