I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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