Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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