I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
