Someone shit on the floor
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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