dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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