Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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