just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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