I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
