Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Randomize
