***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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