please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
