i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
