she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize