So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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