remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
