I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
