Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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