Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
