Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
