Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
