after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
