I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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