Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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