Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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