Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
