...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize