Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
