I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
