hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize