i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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