I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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