You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
