I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
