woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
only you would photoshop your dick
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
