Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
