Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
