Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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