I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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