In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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