Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
