shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
