I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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