I CAN MOONWALK!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
