In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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