Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
ttyl tear gas
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
