She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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