dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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