threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
