the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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