God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
