Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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